Apparently Life Doesn’t Come With An Answer Key

Kids ask a lot of questions. My kids ask a obnoxious amount of questions. If I had dollar for every time my youngest asks “why?” I could give Elon Musk a run for his money. Okay, that’s an exaggeration – but still. We have a rule in our house, that it’s ok to ask ‘why’ but it is not ok to be disrespectful. It is our youngest child who takes full advantage of this rule. Have you ever tried to reason with a six-year-old? The first few questions of the conversation are usually appropriate so, being the intelligent woman that I am, I always give her a carefully crafted and perfectly reasonable answer. Each answer a delicate balance , one that should satisfy her curiosity or doubts but not create more work for myself, and by work I mean more questions. Inevitably though, there are always more questions and by the end of the conversation I’m no longer sure if I’m having meaningful conversation or if she’s just enjoying watching my exasperation level soar to new heights.

In moments like those, it can be hard to pinpoint the source of our frustration or exasperation. On the surface, it appears I’m frustrated with my child for asking ridiculous questions and granted, sometimes they are ridiculous. But sometimes, if I’m honest I’m exasperated because I don’t know how to answer her questions. It’s not that I don’t know the answer, it’s just I’m not always sure how to communicate it in a way that she would understand and sometimes she can’t understand an answer because she doesn’t have Mommy’s perspective.

I wish I could say this phenomenon was unique to parenthood. We humans are inquisitive and we ask a lot of questions. In this season of life I find myself being asked a lot of questions and, like with my daughter, I often struggle finding the answers. Not because they are hard questions, or at least they shouldn’t be – but because I often feel like the answers would only make sense from my perspective. Since my diagnosis, I’m often asked how I’m doing or how I’m feeling. The problem is never that I don’t know how I’m doing, but that I’m not sure to communicate that I’m tired, I cried while brushing my teeth this morning, and my brain is hosting a non-stop marathon of ‘What’s Next?!’”. I have no doubt that if I always answered those questions honestly most people would be standing there thinking “I’m sorry I asked!”

Life teaches us a lot about our relationships with our Heavenly Father and I’ve learned a lot through both parenthood and living with a degenerative disease. Mostly, that as God’s child, I also ask an obnoxious amount of questions. Sure, sometimes I’m longing for explanation but far more often , like my own child’s questions, they are my way of protesting some perceived injustice I am feeling.

Why did I have to get this disease?

Why did my friends betray me?

Why didn’t You stop all of this from happening?

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Sometimes I imagine God somewhere in heaven face-in-palm, exasperated with his wayward child, and one question away from flinging me off the planet. I mean, that’s how I would handle me if I were God. Sadly, for many of us that is the kind of God we grew up learning about in churches. What I’m learning more each day, is that we have a kind and gentle Father who invites our questions and whose patience knows no boundaries. I’m also learning that just as my child can not comprehend that the decisions I make as a parent are in their best interest or see any purpose behind them, I can not always understand what my Heavenly Father is doing. You see, just as my children can not see things from Mommy’s perspective, some things in my life will feel unjust and unfair simply because I have a different view than that of my Father.

For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways, says the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.

– Isaiah 55:8-9

But, what do we do when things don’t only feel unjust and unfair – they are. We live in a broken world full of broken people and broken people break things. Bad things happen to good people and we can not understand it or make it make sense. Sometimes it feels like life would be easier if God would just tell us in advance what was going to happen but our God is infinitely wiser than we are. If He were to give us a crystal ball and we could see the future – the hurts, failures, traumas, diagnoses and tragedies- it would be more than we could bear. We’d be the ones standing around mumbling, I’m sorry I asked. Instead, He asks us to trust Him to use those shattered pieces of our lives to ultimately accomplish something good. When our need for answers gives way to total trust and dependence on Christ we find ourselves exactly where He wants us.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. – Romans 8:28

Friend, I don’t know where life finds you today or what answers you are desperately longing for, but I know this – You can trust Him. I don’t know why I was diagnosed with Young Onset Parkinsons’ Disease or why my husband and I lost the ministry that we loved so much. I don’t know why we experienced so much pain and betrayal and I don’t know what tomorrow looks like much less the future. But one thing I am certain of, my Heavenly Father loves me and He knows what he’s doing. If God can use one bit of brokenness in my life to bring Him glory then it is worth it.

Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth! – Psalm 46:10

So go ahead and ask all of your questions – He doesn’t mind. Grieve. Cry. Lament. And then throw yourself at His feet and whisper this short prayer –

Father, I trust you.

In the midst of life’s unanswered questions, may we find peace not in knowing every answer, but in trusting the One who does. ⚓

How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
 How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and hear me, O Lord my God;
Enlighten my eyes,
Lest I sleep the sleep of death;
 Lest my enemy say,
“I have prevailed against him”;
Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

But I have trusted in Your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalms 13