Uncharted Waters

I like to joke with my older brother about being mom and dad’s favorite child. He likes to remind me that I grew up in a different home – which is just his way of saying I was a spoiled brat. The truth is I wasn’t favored and neither of us were loved or cared for any more than the other, and we did in fact grow up in the same house with the same parents. I’ve thought about this a lot with my own kids now that I’m a parent. Looking back on my childhood I can see that my parent’s love for us wasn’t unjust or out of balance – life was. My brother was the first child, the experiment, the lab rat. He got the higher expectations and firmer boundaries. The boy. The first child. The first grandchild. And all the expectations that came with those titles. Couple those things with the fact that my parents were barely adults and newly married, financially strapped and still processing their own childhoods and upbringings – you’ve got yourself a crash course in parenting, emphasis on the crash.

Because I am almost seven years younger than my brother, my parents did things differently by the time I came along. They were older, wiser, and had the benefit of experience on their side. Plus, I was the girl. The baby. Baby Godzilla as my brother affectionately called me. And although my parents were older and wiser, they were also tired – paying mortgages, building careers, and surviving. Looking back, I can see my parents weren’t raising us differently, they were raising us in different circumstances, situations, and life stages. Sprinkled throughout our adolescence, our parents also experienced layoffs, marriage trouble, money troubles, and the grief of losing a parent unexpectedly. They experienced seasons of insecurity, depression, and burnout, and the whole time they were raising us – I see now, they were still growing up too.

Life has a funny way of teaching us perspective. No one tells you when you get married that life’s going to be akin to a Mario Kart race. On top of trying to cross the finish line as a praiseworthy mom or wife, you’re going to have banana peels and exploding bombs in your path. Don’t even get me started on the Pirahna Plants and Thwomp Traps.

Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to stories of David and Joseph in the Scriptures and probably why Psalms is one of my favorite books of the Bible. There’s no denying that David had the favor of the LORD, but there’s also no denying that he had to navigate many obstacles in his life. Isn’t it comforting to know that God used someone so greatly whose life reads a little bit like an emotional rollercoaster? I don’t know about you, but I find even more comfort in knowing that some of David’s trials and obstacles were self-inflicted.

One of my favorite Psalms is Chapter 30. The context for this chapter is as follows: Following a period of military success, David’s pride got the best of him. He decided that he would conduct a census of the people of Israel even though we are told David was warned by the general of his army Joab that this would be displeasing to God (see 1 Chronicles 21:3-7).

What I love about this chapter is that it reminds me that the LORD’s favor on my life has nothing to do with me and everything to do with HIM. Although David had disobeyed God and was punished for his disobedience, he opens the chapter with the words,

I will extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up,
And have not let my foes rejoice over me.

And in verse 5 we see David acknowledging that our trials – even when they are a result of our own stubbornness- are chapters in our story, but they are not the title of our book.

For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.

This is where it gets really good. Every time I read verse 6, I see myself.

Now in my prosperity I said,
“I shall never be moved.”

If that isn’t me then I don’t know what is! When life is going good and there’s no evil Goombas or psychotic Cataquacks in sight it’s easy to be spiritually overconfident in ourselves. When my life is comfortable it’s easy to say my faith is rock solid but when I find myself navigating life’s unexpected obstacles suddenly I am less confident on how strong my faith is and refocus on how strong my GOD is. David’s very next words are,

Lord, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong; (7a)

and again in verse 11,

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness

While none of us like adversity or trials, it is often those very things that shape who we are spiritually. I imagine, all those years ago, my parents were just doing the best they could with what they had and what they knew and leaving the rest up to God. One of the things I can appreciate the most as an adult is how much my parents fought through and the times they kept going when it would have been easier to walk away. I smile when I see them still going strong after over 50 years of marriage and still navigating life together and think to myself I sure am glad they didn’t quit.

It’s like that when I read Psalms chapter 30, too. David wrestled with a lot of emotions and encountered many trials – but I sure am glad he didn’t quit. When David found himself in a hard season, he remembered his commitment and trusted the LORD to perform it. We are so broken – prone to wander and make mistakes- but none of that changes who God is. Sometimes, we have to remind ourselves that we’re just navigating life, doing the best we can with what we have and what we know, and we have to leave the rest up to God. David experienced disappointments and failures in his life, but he knew it was GOD who kept him. He ends the chapter with these words,

To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

There’s a lot in this life that I wasn’t expecting, and even now, I find myself in one of the hardest and most uncertain seasons yet. I’ve spent my fair share of time complaining to the LORD about all the banana peels, and like my 10 year old when he’s losing the game, I find myself wanting to throw the controller at the TV – but in the quiet moments, like David, I find myself crying out to God “be thou my helper”.

I’ve spent the better portion of the week wondering what in the world the direction for this blog would be now that I’ve committed to it. What will be the thread that ties it all together? I genuinely did not know when I started this post a few hours ago, but here at the end of Psalms chapter 30 I found my answer.

To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Psalm 30:12