God, I Don’t Feel Like Singing
Being a parent teaches you all sorts of lessons. It’s like living with tiny comedians who accidentally teach you things—I mean, who knew that life’s greatest lessons could come from quirky, chaotic, question-spewing little humans who have mastered the art of let’s-make-a-deal? And there it is, right smack dab in the middle of a negotiation session about whether they have to wear pants- I get a glimpse of myself. As I mumble to myself, “Are we really having this conversation AGAIN?!?… I realize that I, too, am my Heavenly Father’s overly dramatic and obstinate child.
{And if you want to know how dramatic my youngest child is... She just marched into the office as I'm writing this and pronounced matter-of-factly "Mom, I think our family is going to starve to death." and that was her way of asking me for a snack.}
This year has already brought our family a lot of unexpected changes, and one of those changes involved transitioning to homeschooling. Now, the first thing you need to know is that I’m not like those other homeschooling moms. There are no creative lesson plans or neatly organized workstations here. Those families that choose homeschooling and are thriving? That’s not us. Homeschooling chose us and we’re just surviving… and I’m not even sure we’re doing that well.
All of the change has been exhausting, and like the children of Israel in the Bible, there’s been a lot of murmuring and complaining over here. And what I find is that while I’m trying to help my children navigate all of this change and teach them the value and importance of contentment, I’m struggling too. For every complaint my children launch, I’m echoing it back silently in my heart.
I don’t want to homeschool today! Me either
I miss my friends. Me too.
I don’t want to find a new church. Neither do I.
Why didn’t I get to say goodbye? I don’t know.
This isn’t fair. You’re telling me, kid!
When we find ourselves in hard seasons, it can be harder to lean on Truth. Our emotions run high, and our patience wears thin. So, when we read things in God’s Word like Romans 8:28 we find ourselves wrestling. “Caught in the tension“, that’s what our Christian counsellor called it the other day. Stuck somewhere between knowing God’s Word is true and feeling like it’s true in my life right now.
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28)
My husband and I sat there as the counsellor went on. “Tension can be constructive when it’s managed, but if left unmanaged it becomes destructive.” We can acknowledge our pain, loss and questions but we must always ground ourselves in God’s Truth, even we don’t feel it.
Did I mention that I love the book of Psalms? In Chapter 66, we see the Psalmist reminding us of God’s Sovereignty. The chapter opens with the words,
Make a joyful shout to God, all the earth!
Sing out the honor of His name;
Make His praise glorious.
Say to God,
“How awesome are Your works!
Okay, here’s the problem, Lord – I don’t exactly feel like singing.
None of this feels awesome right now.
The psalmist goes on to invite his people to remember God’s past acts of deliverance. He reminds them of what God did in the past, like the time He parted the Red Sea, and I can’t help but remember back to Exodus 14:11-12. Here we see what took place before God delivered them – and it sounds a little familiar.
Then they said to Moses, “Because there were no graves in Egypt, have you taken us away to die in the wilderness? Why have you so dealt with us, to bring us up out of Egypt? 12 Is this not the word that we told you in Egypt, saying, ‘Let us alone that we may serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than that we should die in the wilderness.”
Yeah, that sounds a lot more like me.
In those moments when they couldn’t see a way out, the children of Israel questioned God. I get it because I’m tempted to do the same thing.
God, why are you doing this?
What good can possibly come from this?
This isn’t what I signed up for. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?
I imagine, if the children of Israel had had a crystal ball and could see the miracles in their future, they wouldn’t have asked such foolish questions. And I’m learning, in the midst of my hard season, not to question what God is doing. Oh, I still struggle with the doubts and questions but every day is a choice to hope in what’s to come instead of what I see in front of me right now. Why do we, so often in our trials, choose to assume the worst of the very One who sustains us and has redeemed us? In her devotional book, When Change Finds You by Kristen Strong says,
It never occurs to me that the change could be a source of God’s mercy, not a sign of his indifference.
kristen strong
The children of Israel couldn’t have known it back in the beginning of Exodus 14, but God was about to blow their minds. However, they would never have experienced the miracle if God hadn’t first brought them to an impossibility. Although it’s hard to believe when we’re running for our own lives and facing an impossible situation, God proves over and over again in His Word that He is faithful. I’m learning that God is really, really good at bringing unimaginable good from seasons of unwelcome circumstances.
I love verse 12 of Psalm 66 –
Thou hast caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: but thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place.
I wrote in my Bible beside that verse, WE WENT THROUGH SOME THINGS, BUT GOD BROUGHT US OUT. Not only did God bring them through their impossible circumstance, He brought them into a wealthy place! While I’m standing around complaining about where God has me, He’s gracious to remind me that He knows where the journey ends – and it is a place of abundance!
I am reminding myself today that although this season of change was unwelcome and unexpected, ultimately, this trial will reveal His good plans and purpose for my family.
If you’re struggling today and find yourself “caught in the tension,” I hope you are encouraged and find comfort in knowing our Heavenly Father is a good, good Father, and he does all things well. Let’s trust Him through the trials together. ⚓