Holy Smackdown
When I was growing up my older brother loved to watch WWE. World Wrestling Entertainment – the only place you can watch a grown man climb a ladder with a briefcase… and somehow it makes sense. I remember as a child watching the TV screen and trying to make sense of it all – my young mind, unaware that it was scripted entertainment, watching nervously as these characters rolled around the ring, wrestling each other and smacking each other with metal folding chairs. There’s a strange appeal to professional wrestling, on one hand you know it’s absolute nonsense but on the other hand it’s hard to look away. It’s not just wrestling – it’s a dance with danger, a live-action performance with both a hero and a villain that oddly resonates with real life: a struggle, suspense, betrayal, resilience and triumph. Kudos to the individual that came to work one day and pitched the idea of wrestling with bizarre storylines and unhinged plot twists.
I do a lot of wrestling myself, especially lately. The difference is, this conflict takes place in the arena of my heart. One part of me standing firmly on God’s truth and the other part wants to turn the channel.
I’m reminded of Genesis chapter 32. In this chapter we find Jacob, on the run from an angry brother and uncertain about his future. It is in this vulnerable time that he has an encounter with God. His encounter with God wasn’t in a still small whisper or in a prophetic dream – it was a struggle. And there Jacob found himself fighting for identity and wrestling with the past- refusing to give up, refusing to bow in defeat. In the end, Jacob walked away with his blessing, and also a new name from the LORD. But that’s not all. He walked away with a limp, a physical reminder of the change that had taken place during this encounter. Because Jacob chose to cling to God in the struggle, rather than resist Him, He walked away transformed, forever changed. Genesis 32:24-32
This is where I have found myself lately, in the midst of the struggle. The struggle of knowing God’s Word in principle and allowing God’s Word to work in my life – in practice. See, I know God is my defender but my flesh still wants to pick up that metal chair. I know what the Bible says about forgiveness but I want to find a loophole.
This morning I saw a Facebook post that said, “It takes maturity to learn how to pray for those people who broke your heart.” As I read it, conversations my husband and I have had over the past weeks replayed in my mind.
“We have to pray for them.” I looked at him with a side-eye, half hoping he was going to follow that up with a “pray their car breaks down or the neighbors dog poops on their front porch.” (Hey, I told you this was a struggle!) But, no, he was serious. So reluctantly I engaged in the conversation. “How can I?” Conversations like these remind me God knew I would need some extra help so he sent me a preacher to marry. His answer was exasperating. “Because He tells us to.” Wait, seriously? That’s all you got? He kept talking, and my internal struggle really began to heat up. With compassion for my rebellious heart he continued, “We don’t have to understand, we have to obey.”
But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, – Matthew 5:44
He was right and I knew it. But that didn’t mean I had to like it. He let me sit quietly with my thoughts after that, and the struggle continued. See, as a former pastor’s wife, I’ve ‘preached’ forgiveness to lots of people. I know what the Bible has to say about it, but it’s a lot harder when you’re on the receiving end. So, for weeks I have wrestled. Some days I feel victorious and other days a 300-pound-man wearing a leather vest has me on the ropes again.
If you are waiting for a feel-good, spectatular victory speech, you’re going to be disappointed. I haven’t figured it all out and I don’t have a championship belt hoisted high above my head. I feel like I do more losing than winning most days. But even though I’m still struggling, I have is evidence that God is transforming me. I have the hope of a future blessing and I’m not letting go of the only One who has the power to change me.
Here in the struggle, I’m learning how to pray for the people who hurt me, disappointed me and those who broke my heart in the hardest season of my life. I’m learning that God’s Word doesn’t always make sense, and that’s okay. I’m learning that I will have victories along this journey and I’ll also have defeats (cue metal flying chair). I’m learning that God isn’t trying to change my circumstances, he’s trying to change me.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them – Ezekiel 36:26-27
Maybe we spend too much time looking for our struggle to be over that we miss the whole point. If there was no struggle we would miss the blessings of seeing our God provide and protect us, we would miss the countless times He has defended and delivered us. If there were no struggle, we would miss our encounters with God and if there were no encounters with God then we would remain unchanged.
In Christ, our belt isn’t earned by our perfect moves or impressive skills – but by grace, by holding on, by finishing the match. It’s about getting knocked down, sometimes more than once. It’s about being slammed to the mat by your disappointments, doubts and losses but not staying there. It’s about getting back up, refusing to give up knowing there’s a blessing to come.
Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; – Phillippians 1:6
Friend, if today you find yourself in the midst of a struggle, don’t lose heart. In every trial and hard season God is changing us and there is a blessing in store for us. Lean in to Him today, refuse to let go, because sometimes the blessing isn’t found in the victory itself, but it’s in the wrestling. ⚓
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